Stuck

    For the past few months. Actually for a really long time I feel as if I have been stuck in my faith. Where I am not growing significantly and I just feel as if nothing really makes sense. At some point I told myself that it was all after I got baptized that the devil was just tugging that much more at my heart. While that might be the case, I feel as if there is so much more to it. I realize that I am going through such a weird stage in my life. Not only am I saying goodbye to my high school and the rest of my grade school career but everything I have ever known. Graduating is one of those steps like getting a new job or marriage or starting a family. There is just something about that next step forward that is so mysterious and unknowing. We have all been through the matter that God will let things happen as He sees fit and He allows things to fall into place when He recognizes the time. But what happens when we can't accept that? Are we rejects? Wow, does that mean that this faith I have isn't all that strong? Is it even real?

    These few months have been stepping stones that have led virtually nowhere for me. And as I talk to those around me going through the same process of leaving this stage of life I learned that they feel it too. That nothing seems certain anymore and we all realized that our faith is rather...transparent and fading quickly. I had scared myself in the past few months about what I truly wanted and what I really felt in my heart. And man can I tell you what it felt like to have the floor beneath you disappear. It feels as if I have been dropped in a desert blindfolded with no direction.

    By this time most of your are probably saying "Well, I know where this is going. She is going to tell us how she is going through a tribulation and how she sees God's light at the end." I wish I could sit here and write this blog out like all my other weird and quite times but I can't. That has to be one of the scariest parts about this, is knowing that I can't see how it ends. The road ahead of me is totally blank. The steps I take are up to me. The relationships I engage in is all up to me. The path I choose to carve...is ALL up to me. But isn't the load and burdens of this world to be shared with the Lord for He gives us rest? I would like to believe that this is going to happen and to some extent I do. I just have a constant questioning going on in my head and a sick feeling in my stomach of unknown waters ahead of me.

    You know that desert I mentioned earlier, well this is it. When I think about moving on to not having the same thing set before me everyday THIS is what I see. Just a blank area that I will most likely get utterly lost in. But there is something about this picture that gives off a hope. The beautiful mountains in the back show me the true glory of God and his grace of how he can take such a mess like myself to turn it into something beautiful. I thought that everything ahead of me is going to be completely blank, well it is actually...to me. As crazy as it sounds, God looks down on me right now and realizes my struggles eating me inside out. But He doesn't get a bit worried because he knows that it is working out for His glory. And what makes Christ happy should make me happy right? I know it does but I can't put that into words because my understanding of Christ is so unknown and crazy weird but in a good way. I am so twisted by the idea of how awesome He is.

    Another thing that I seemed to not realize before was that it isn't just an empty scene. There is so much life when you look up close. The sky looks breath taking and the land is so open that adventure is right at your will. The shrubs and branches seem as if they are dead or withering away but they still stand don't they? There is something about this picture that tells me a blank canvas is what I need to see. It is actually something we all need to see. Sometimes knowing what is ahead is worse than creating your own path. Knowing that the road ahead is empty and uncharted is a future with more plans than I have ever had. My faith survives in this storm it will continue to crawl when it has no balance like now. Somehow I will walk out of the darkness because light cannot be defeated by the dark. I am the tiniest light compared to the world and all of God's wonders but yet I am the biggest. Put me in a cave of sin or a storm of trials and I will find my way out by the light.

    Knowing that this is going to happen and I will suffer a lot but I will get through it. The relief and air at the end is something beyond words that I will not be able to describe with mere words. Even though I feel as if my life right now is barren and stripped of its ideas as well as any sense of direction. I have no clue where I am going but it is the point that I know that I am going somewhere. I realize that I need to connect to Christ more and pray more but that is not it. I need to realize and understand what He is truly thinking in this silence. I may have just made a huge contradiction but God is going a million miles per hour while I am at a stand still. But the awesome thing to notice is He is gonna stop along the way and clue me in on what is to come. Something even better, He will not stop His love of eternity in all of that.

    Sometimes it is good to be stuck because you will be found that much more all over again. And I pray everyday that the Lord himself finds me where I lie.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior 

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics