Sometimes we build up to things so much and work so hard towards them that it is just about impossible to say goodbye. It's natural to get attached to things that mean so much us. The love of those that makes these things our passion is so hard to say goodbye to. The people, the places, and the emotions make a way to embed them in our hearts. This is actually a great thing! Of course it is not great saying goodbye to this stuff but it is simply the best thing. Sounds crazy, right?! Really think about it...when you have ever said goodbye to something or someone, was there sun after the storm? Maybe not right away but it still came right? That is because God never closes one door without having another one for you to go into. The famous "all good things must come to end" saying really gets old when you have to constantly do it though.
Right now, I would say I am a little depressed to be sat here and know that my high school cheer career along with all of those life changing moments are behind me. It is hard to look forward to what is ahead of me because it was such a huge part of my life. I know that God is writing the rest of my story right now but it is just so hard leaving that as mere memories in my life. As I thought this through on the long drive back home from nationals...I knew God had it all in his hands. But before I had left the beach side, I walked out of my room the first day to see the beautiful sunrise to see it reflecting it's endless light. The breathtaking view captured my stress filled heart. Up until the competition I had worked and worried alongside my team mates for 9 months of practice. Between this and school and college decisions and the emotions of life and my relationship with Christ just all weighed on my heart. But taking a simple step out into the endless sea I saw my rest. I could sit there for hours on end and just love Christ for who he is. He gave me a promise in that sunset. I remember saying to my roommates that the ocean looked as if it never ends.
The sun was so bright beyond description, blinded me but I could capture it all in the click of my camera. God had stopped me straight in my tracks and told me this is it. This is the turning point of your life where you will have so many things that you will not want to say goodbye to but you have to. In order for me (Christ) to fill you're life with so many other amazing things the things ending in your life need to end. They will never fade from you're mind and they will always have a special place in you're heart...I will be sure of that. I have gotten you this far with the people and things you love which is why I am NOT telling you to walk away from them. This actually all just came to me because the meaning of that sunshine just hit home. As I was flipping through all my team mates pictures from the trip I saw that sunrise over and over again. But my coaches caption is what made this all click. She is also saying goodbye to the cheer world for over several years of passion for it. This whole process has been a heartbreaking experience to look at each other while the crowd roars knowing, it's done.
The tears well on and off as I ruminate through this and that caption of my loving coach's caption. She referred to the beautiful sunset as Christ showing her that he is the one to look to for the next chapter. The next chapter in all of our lives are like that sunrise. It is endless and it is beyond our words. Our life even after such amazing events, are things that we can't keep our eyes away from. At this moment and this whole weekend my heart was confused because it was in the process of saying goodbye to something that has always been a huge part of my life. As these words come to my mind I think of the image of a person leaning on a tree. The whole idea of being rooted comes straight to my lips. We wait at the edge of the cross where Christ has and will fulfill the promise of showing us what is truly next. Man...the words of this song continue to run through my mind as my heart just seems to want to pour itself out. I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone. And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone. Together we will fly tonight. And leave all the rest behind. I'll wait for you. This blog post might be all over the place and seem to have no point but that was kind of my point. I thought to myself...if I have this much emotion about this ending I should really journal after doing this. I might end up doing it anyways but this is where all my thoughts first fell out onto paper it seems.
Wait by Mat Kearney
The wind hit my back, cold as I remember
And caught me off guard, in the middle of December
Sometimes a crowded room, can feel the most alone
Sometimes I wonder why, I won't pick up the phone when
This wall is glaring and it's too high for me to climb
I've ran and ran and now there's nothing left behind
I see a picture of a broken man inside
I've tried and tried and now there's nothing left but time
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
Together we will fly tonight
And leave all the rest behind
I'll wait for you
These hands can feel like they're not even mine
A tree and a nail and a cry in the night
Sometimes a little step is the greatest divide
Sometimes I feel your breath right at my side when
Here I am at the edge of the road
One hand on the end of the rope
One crack and it breaks alone
Wondering whose gonna take me home
On my knees when you call my bluff
Begging please from the edge of the ruff
And I know I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it
Above all, I miss cheer more than anything and it hasn't even been one full day without it. At this point in life I feel as if nothing else could fill that void but Christ has shown me differently. That sunrise showed me a new beginning. It showed me that yeah, it's going to be hard but it will never fade away from me. Christ has given me so many awesome relationships and hard times and victories and passion for this sport that it has change my heart. I knew cheer would always be a huge part of my life but it never hit me until now. He truly never held out on my ability to have cheer. I could never tell him how much I miss and love cheer already. He knows and sees my true desire and I pray that he leads me to cheer down the road because it is just that one thing that has and always been meant to be a part of my life. I would have never of thought I would be where I am today with my cheer career when I starting in the 4th grade. The bittersweet feeling is what tells me it is real. That feeling I have always felt on the floor with all my girls around me will always be relived when I think of that sunset and those promises.
I cry but I jump for joy that God has given such amazing things in my life! Have you ever just had those things that are just, so...bittersweet!? Did you leave them in bad conversation? And are they things you can't bring up without tearing up? They are not settled. Yes they are extremely difficult but saying goodbye is. But saying goodbye to see it later is so much better.
Christ made this day for me. He made my heart full enough to have cheer as my passion and it will never be erased from my story...because it is my life. Through the ups and downs of saying goodbye Christ has shown me I made it through all of the tears and pain to become apart of cheer and those girls along with the one coach that changed my life. For the better.
Psalm 119:41
"May your unfailing love come to me, Lord, your salvation, according to your promise"
Psalm 119:50
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."
Psalm 119:57
"You are my portion, Lord; I have promised to obey your words."
"May your unfailing love come to me, Lord, your salvation, according to your promise"
Psalm 119:50
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."
Psalm 119:57
"You are my portion, Lord; I have promised to obey your words."
This is the new beginning, but it is not goodbye. That sun never stopped shining.
Lyrics found: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/matkearney/wait.html
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